seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
