I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
