So drunk its hurt
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
