alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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