I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
