he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
