i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
it hurts more in the daytime
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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