Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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