There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
