i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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