fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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