I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
