I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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