today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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