i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
