apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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