fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
