I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
