oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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