I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dignity is for republicans.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
