Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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