fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
