She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
