After last night, I could never be a politician.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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