I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize