Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize