i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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