was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
