Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
