based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
