I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
