what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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