I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
lets start a swedish sibling band together
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
