belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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