So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
