If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
