I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
