Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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