she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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