That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
