I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize