I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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