I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
