Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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