If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
