All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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