The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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