no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize