Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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