I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
