Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
