Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
