I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
