just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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